gilded butterflies can't fly

planes go by

2010-08-19T02:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes i look around a room, or in this case an airport, full of people and try to find out what they're thinking. i look at the way their eyebrows are arched, the look they have in their eyes, the way they are sitting, and i try to read their mind. it's weird though, the fact that people are talking in their minds, and we can't hear them, and how they could be wondering the same exact thing, "i wonder what everyone else is thinking?"

i am leaving, doing someplace new, going to where i can't be reached. i am finally setting myself free. in a couple of hours, i'll be free. i can't believe it, finally. for the first time are my eyes bleeding of joy.

you don't know, I don't know. thanks for the dance, the drink and the sleep

2010-07-10T03:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes everything seems so awkward. Imagine a Wednesday evening in march. It's like the future and the past are at the same time. I've also noticed these are days of mystery. If only I could start to care. I make use of the night and start drinking a lot. Maybe not that bright, but for now it's all I've got. Let's freeze this moment because we're going down. With wide open mouths and burning eyes. In the morning I'll be gone, and you won't know why. You're laughing too hard it's seems unreal. You don't know anything about me. Do you know I gave up dreaming just for a while, when I saw your face. It would have been nice, though, to have known your name.

hold your own, know your name, and go your own way

2010-06-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but I have had my reasons. In the last couple of months a lot of shit went down, but here I am. Finally. Back to where I were last time I wrote. Almost. I am not going to go into any details, because I don't think it's that important, and because frankly I am quite ashamed. Ashamed for being so naive, and not knowing any better. I should have known better, with my history and all. But at that time I didn't.

I lost my friend, the only one I had talked to in months. I was locked up, accused for having something to do with it. I wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral. Two weeks ago, I think (It's hard to keep track of time and day. Even month and year), I was released. I wandered around for a while, moved on to yet another town. I couldn't stay, the memories and the falsely accusation made it hard to breath, to live.

So here I am, a while later. Alone. Again. On the road. Again. Homeless. Again. Paranoid. Again. Scared. Brave. Independent. Unknown. A stranger.

Jane Doe.

supplies are endless in the evening by the morning they'll be gone

2010-04-24T03:19:00.000-07:00

It is freezing, and we have to walk. We keep waving at the taxis, but they keep turning their lights off. When I feel lonely I can be my own best friend - I'll get coffee, the paper and have my own conversations with the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection. The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit. I'm looking skinny like a model with my eyes painted black - I just keep going to the bathroom , always saying I'll be right back. What's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag. I got a flask inside my pocket that we share on the train. We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain. What was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane. I'm sure of what problem started all of this but the reasons have all run away. This is not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live. What is simple in the evening by the morning never is.

who am I

2010-04-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

I am: bleak, dull, flat, insipid, monotonous, prosaic, trite, uninteresting, vapid, arduous, laborious, oppressive, tough, uphill, drab, arid, commonplace, bonny, comely, adorable, cute, delightful, personable, precious, cultivated, close, minion, excessive, exorbitant, high, inestimable, good for nothing, invaluable, frivolous, futile, pointless, useless, trivial, but most important of all - I am alive

reached my destination

2010-04-18T06:38:00.000-07:00

I have met a travel companion - another lost soul. We both thought we might as well share the burden of being someone without a home. Even though it's easier to hide alone, the loneliness can eat you up. I do not know yet how much I can trust this drifter but for the first time in weeks I have somebody else to talk to than smelly truck drivers who'll try every rotten trick in the book.

Anyhow, I wanted to make my search come to life with pictures, which have been quite difficult since I had to give my camera away for at night on the couch. But this new Being helped me, so here goes..

updated confession of my hectic and heartbroken being

2010-03-31T13:09:00.000-07:00

been lying low for a couple of days. people came into town. people who shouldn't be here. people who shouldn't know I'm here. so called in sick and held shelter in my stinky motelroom. last night i ran, again. now I'm in a new place. but only for a little while. the people are still around, I think. the thing is, I don't even know what to do. I'm so paranoid that I have cut my hair off and dyed it.

my reflection is crooked. weird homemade hair, dark pale face, and a to-skinny body. have lost like 30 pounds. and it's all their fault. god, I need sleep. a parkbench 'll do.

"I am sorry"

2010-03-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Saying those three little word that are used to often makes people jump to the conclusion that it is a message of love over used. I do not. There are three little words that I have been hearing all too often. Three little words that never helpt. Three little words that never healed. Three little words that never where true.

If you are told something often enough it loses all meaning.

abandoned on my terms

2010-03-13T08:39:00.000-08:00

I thought I could release the endless pain and I made a move I thought was right. I had a chance to stop the fight but I looked away. Because I'm far away from everything I knew. But all I see reminds me about you. Face to face, body to body, voice to voice. I go on and I pretend. I had it coming because of my lies. But I'm so afraid that I'm wrong and you're right. I don't want to go back again, never again.

clair de lune, a masterpiece by debussy

2010-03-12T14:37:00.000-08:00

I guess anger runs in the family. at least I am trying not to act out on flesh anymore.

2010-03-11T00:14:00.000-08:00

we are born wet, naked, and hungry. then things get worse.

2010-03-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

whether at home or away, whether kids playing or adults chatting, whether alive or dead, they were always locals, and I will never be.

2010-03-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

the cold turns my skin red and makes my scars plopp out purple like bruises. my hands looks like someone elses. i want spring, it's easier.

2010-03-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

First the colours. Then the people. That is how I usually see things. Or at least, try to see them.

2010-03-07T04:03:00.000-08:00

People only notice the colours of a day at dusk or dawn, but for me it is perfectly clear that a day is flowing through a variety of shades, for every moment that passes. A single hour can consist thousands of different colours. That is how i usually see things. Or at least, try to see them.

My rescue is my distraction.

the footsteps imbedded in the ground of my new path will become the solid foundation to my future

2010-03-06T05:08:00.000-08:00